Do you know what’s freaking hard? Being a partnered mother… wife life.

I couldn’t EVER do this on my own, so to single Mumhood – I can’t comment. Being in a relationship has its own challenges. Trying to fit someone into your world who used to BE your world. Someone who is strong, hard working and carried the burden of your crazy. Someone who used to just have fun… so much fun. When the tiny beings come, the dynamic changes and even more so when one half of the partnership falters.

Darkness called before and fell again more recently than I care to admit. I couldn’t imagine a tonight let alone any tomorrows. There has been someone there picking up the flaccid slack. Every piece along the way and just kept on keeping on. Who supports the carer when the carer has enough? How is that partner dynamic supposed to evolve or even survive. What shape does love take for the bat shit crazy, shell of a person left behind? I have no answers.

Babies do funny things to you and no one’s left laughing. Curves everywhere right, replaced with chub everywhere wrong. Memories once sharp as a tack now mushed turds. Generous and shiny locks, now grey and shedding. I ask, would he be better off with someone else? Rightly so I was told that’s not a fair question.

Though one I ponder.

I couldn’t imagine this life without him in it, but finding the room is just as tough. Maybe with time.

Soon the roles completely reverse and I will be the main breadwinner. Leaving the nurturing role and missing out on all of the things. In this I find it hard to stifle the resentment. The only thing I have ever known my whole life was that I wanted to be mother. Everything else was a fluke or a consequence of that. I will never again be pregnant, have a life grow inside of me. Nourishing via my milk will soon enough come to an end. My role as primary carer to two still very young boys has been ceded to another. Granted it’s their very capable dad, who will likely do a better job than I ever could. But the rows upon rows of grief that comes with all of this ensues.

I remain ever grateful, in debt and aspire one day to be strong. I don’t want much. Respect, strength and to be happy. Perhaps together is how to build rather than trying to prove worth alone.

That wife life

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